don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
