Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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