Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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