then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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