But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
