I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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