He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
