I think I died a long time ago.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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