Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
