I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
