and my herpes radar will keep us safe
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
