It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
