I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
my shit smells like andre
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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