how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
