After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
