Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
