Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
