Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
