Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
