I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
