Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
