k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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