One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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