She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
