Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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