This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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