I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
