Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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