I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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