i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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