If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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