Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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