i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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