All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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