There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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