do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
