just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
