My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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