Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
she told me i tasted like america
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
