my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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