We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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