Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
