Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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