so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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