I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
