Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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