Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
there is puke in my bra ... again
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