i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
