Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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