I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
The struggles of a small town man whore
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
