I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
wow bdsm is so cute
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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