my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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