made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
