she woke up with a sticky ear
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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