Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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