im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
