I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Fuck appropriateness.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
