I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
