I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
