Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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