So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
