I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
