I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
