dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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